that’s not how it’s supposed to be

i should have gone long and cold

you were supposed to have a bonus

to spend it the way you wanted

in the nearest bookstore.

i went down the block yesterday

you must have been dozing,

when the afternoon went cold

rain came crushing down our windows

so damned close

yet so completely apart.

i can only see another window

from my window

it doesn’t matter anyway.

perhaps there’s a song out there

waiting to be found

in that nearest megastore

on the crowded avenue

next to the busy café.

who cares?

each one turns and walks their way

but that’s something i’ll never cope

but no one has ever said that the world was supposed to please me.

maybe that’s your wish.

i’ve been putting too much on your head.

(you’ll never know)

i have been merciless

(but you don’t see)

it’s just that i don’t show.

(how could i?)

next time i stop by

be sure to be the same old same old

cause that’s what we expect

and you were always keen to put on a show.

i’ve crossed the street into a fire

i had you

march 23rd

i saw it in the papers

a long cold shiver went down my spine

i closed the book

things got to an end.

it was a warm summer morning

the sun poking at me

i couldn’t see a line ahead.

but there we were.

you had this face

that might produce a smile

but didn’t;

i had only laziness inside me.

you looked wise

and that’s something i’ll never be

i’ll never be clever

but you put that into me

you gave me life

but now it’s gone.

through your fingers, nicety

through your body, hastiness

i never expected anything else.

it just struck me

how things will never be the way we want them to be

and you knew it all along

but chose not to give the bad news so soon.

i don’t mind

i just walk around these days

trying to come up with the last piece of the puzzle.

you’ll hear of it, i don’t know how

but it’ll come, the day of the buried. 

you may be alive, but i will kill you.

lord, forgive me, 

for i have sinned.

i have mistaken integrity for stubornness

i was lost in a world of desire

which was nothing to do 

with what life’s supposed to be

dear lord jesus christ, have mercy on me, a sinner.

i mistake intelligence for bitching

kindness for wretchedness

compassion for egotism.

i do not know what it is to be guided by the light.

dear lord jesus christ, have mercy on me, a sinner.

stay inside

mutter along

sometimes i lose faith

but i know

i’m better off this way

so please, dear lord jesus christ,

have mercy on me,

a sinner.

down the road

you and i 

we’re not certain

we’re alone

and you give me tips

on how to get along

it’s just a matter of glances

and nobody else understands

we had the world out there

enough of it, and time

but hey, no more run and hide

time to rest

though i disappear

i’m still looking

you see

i think it’s a matter of soul.

work hard, you say

but i crash and fall

wish i had your will

when it’s dark

and it’s cold

you’re glancing around

can it be we’re both so eager

that all wishes transform into reality?

we’re now in the daily world

i lose, but maybe you win

you may win it all

for that

i won’t be unhappy

w

i didn’t see you in the street

nor have i seen you in my dreams

but in my head, you’re always there

walking around, smiling

you always had a piece of kindness for me

it isn’t as you say

as far as i can see

but i have seen other

things, too

i’ve seen the loneliness then

i’ve seen happinness

i have wished for all the stars

to reserve whatever’s best for you

i’ve no letters

i’ve no books

but you’re always around

i’ve your words

i’ve you frown

although it sounds weird

you did understand, did you?

i wasn’t sure at all

nor am i now

but when i think of the future

i know that’s how it should be

you’ve given me this

i’m just a little lost, pardon me

you always come back

always come

always appear

my dear old friend

stay in touch 

(though i know it’s quite impossible)

hey, there

i though of you

for a while

last night

when it was clear

to me

it was over

i went down that day

when you had whatever 

to say

to me

you were you,

it’s true

i just don’t care.

i wrote you one afternoon

tears in my eyes

i kept seeing you

you were inside

and i watched it

i waved

said goodbye

and in my memory

it’s all fine.

nothing to say when it’s dark

each at their window

looking at the sky

facing the dark

i’ll just be walking around

maybe in circles

and maybe someday

i’ll find you.

i just don’t care anymore.

you faceless thing

when i need you

the most

you just 

disappear

i can’t have you

side by side

i don’t feel you

anymore

you were never 

here

you are

with me

anyway

at nights, i see you

in dreams

you’re faceless

and effortless

perhaps that’s why

you can never hold my hand

lead me

you never know 

what i need

but you need me

after all

disgraceful thing

you come and scream

“you’re alone!

don’t you see?”

i see nothing

i don’t see you

or your point.

what’s with the sad kids

they get together

drink and shout

then each goes home

to a comfortable loneliness

intimate sadness

and cry a heart out.

what’s with the kids

walking quietly

through empty streets

an abandoned house.

all those sad kids

poor them

drinking and wincing

all those sad kids from abandoned childhoods

cry to nothing

pray to nothing

start on nothing.

sad little kate the drinker

wandering

from house to house

cry to cry

and why to why not.

sad little ken

when he saw the sun

he twitched

said he wanted darkness again

and into darkness they all went

i wanna be all wired up

lost in squares

i wanna be all wired up

in the circular spaces

lost in mazes

walking around those piramids

of thought

of desire

and despair.

i want to stare

deep into my reflection

of days 

and people 

and ways. 

i want the circularity

the love of manners

and disposition.

i’ve been walking down

these dirty roads

searching for me

in other things

and other beings

getting closer

and closer

to it

when i was young

the room was enough

and i did it all

i built this cabin

to which i return

now and then

and forever will

when things go wrong

and the world

cannot be it

so i just get up

and look around

and search around

myself

that’s when i find them

not outside

and then i see

all that’s right

and all that’s wrong

but for me 

these are just parts

of it all

i read the book

i write it

i rehearse it in memory

i talk aloud

and i dream

of walking around

into this blindness

and maybe

coming home

which is it

and it’s off